What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
