is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
