Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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