and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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