I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
