So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize