please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize