I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
third nipple confirmed
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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