Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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