if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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