I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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