i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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