how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
