My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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