I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
