Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
