i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
