I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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