The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
