hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
