guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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