I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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