Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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