mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
