I'm so fucking centered right now
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
