He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize