hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
