he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
