I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Sober January is a disaster.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
