i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
