if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
