Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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