I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
