You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize