so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
