Dude my mom stole all your condoms
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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