That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
