You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
