awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
