am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
