yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
