Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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