I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Someone came in the potted fern
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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