In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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