Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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