I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
