when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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