genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's blow job season.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Randomize
