You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
