I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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