I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
