If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
