Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
