In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
