Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
