It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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