i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
