I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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